What I’m about to say in the following post, is not something which I talk about very often. Any attempt to try has been met with confusion, criticism or misunderstanding; It still frustrates me when someone tells me they understand, then their next actions demonstrate they don’t. I will only try and explain things clearly now because I think it could help someone.
I should note that I am not trained in any medical or science qualifications. I am only speaking from personal experience, which may differ from yours.
I was diagnosed with Autism in 2013, after wondering about it for most of my life. My school years had been spent in special needs education, but I don’t think it was officially defined as one thing or another. It was only when I began to exit education, that it became necessary to find the true answers; The world of work seemed to like pointing out my faults and then rejecting me based on them. On at least two occasions, I lost out because they pinpointed autistic traits and said I wasn’t suitable; One even went as far as to reject me because I went to a special needs school, totally ignoring the fact I had a First Diploma, National Diploma and Degree under my belt!
The diagnosis was a life changer for me. It made me take a step back and reevaluate where I’ve been. It took a long time to process everything, but eventually, I found answers to questions that had alluded me for years. It was a real eye-opener that helped me to greatly become aware of how my mind works. With that, I get to the point of this blog post.
When I was diagnosed, I was told that areas of my autism mean I have an excellent memory. I believe the expert even went as far as to say that if I remembered something, it would be correct. I would counter that and say my short-term memory is a bit hazy these days, but the long-term can be vivid. This is sometimes dependent, however, on finding the right triggers to provoke the memory.
I find that the sensitivity to these triggers can vary day by day. Some days I am in full control, my mood is fine and I can recall things without any adverse effects. Other times, it turns into what I call “pingy” days. These are days when triggers for memories happen spontaneously and without warning. It can be the smallest of things that sets it off, it can be something as insignificant as a single word or phrase.
This doesn’t sound too bad on the surface, but I can tell you “pingy” days are not productive. I am unfortunate to have had a number of negative experiences in my life. A gradual mixture of intermittent family unrest, mental abuse and bad vibes. I was fortunate to have a small section of people who had my back, but none of us could escape the negative. I have lots of very happy memories, but my mind tends to focus on the bad ones during the “pingy” times.
For example, the moment I wake up I have a feeling something isn’t right. The best thing to do in this situation is to get moving as quickly as possible, otherwise, it starts. Then at various points during the day, something will trigger a response. Anything from an event that happened ten years ago to a few months back suddenly jumps into your mind. It’ll be something as small as a conversation you remember having, and you start working through it beat by beat. Riding it out is seemingly the only way to go, but I have to be alone. At the moment the best way is to find harsh sleep sounds, such as heavy rain, and blast it in the room. Some may suggest listening to music or watching TV, but the inner elements can lead to emotional triggers. These can subside after a nap or a good night’s sleep.
its worth noting that the “pings” of negative don’t always make sense. I could be on really good terms with someone, but a bad experience from 5 years ago jumps back into my mind. After this, it can sometimes feel like it happened yesterday. As I have become more aware of these things, I’m able to tell myself what is happening and that things are different now.
It didn’t used to be the case, but the good days far outnumber the bad now. On a non “pingy” day, I feel in control of everything; I am present and in the moment, and able to recall things at ease without any negative side effects. I can have conversations with people, without them descending into biographic monologues that feel like you’ve fallen into a well and need someone to help you out. The only time that can be a bit dodgy on these days, is when I’m trying to fall asleep. I usually remedy this by listening to a podcast on headphones (Pod Meets World) before I get into bed, taking it with me. I then listen until I can’t do it anymore. I then fall asleep quite quickly without issue. It makes a change from spending half the night awake remembering an event from fifteen years ago. Listening to podcasts tends to feel different, because it’s like having a conversation with someone actively.
As with most issues, there is always someone out there who thinks they have the answer. I have tried several things. The first thing I tried was counselling, because I figured that talking about my past might help disperse it. The problem with this is that I talk to a microphone every day, and so it didn’t have the desired effect. I had so much to say, that it was impossible to fit it into a small number of sessions. I also believe that I was mainly looking for validation, which a counsellor isn’t there to provide in the main. If I wanted to seek validation for what I had experienced, I needed to do it myself.
Then I tried anti-depressants to treat the depression I was suffering from in 2017/8. This lifted a weight off my shoulders for a little while, leaving me to be the most free I had felt in years. It turned out to be short-lived, causing more problems than it was solving mentally. It did a great job of soothing those pains, but my mind wasn’t as sharp as I knew it could be. I stopped taking them after about a year. The positive thing I took away from the experience, was that I was able to laugh when my anxiety would normally kick in.
Lastly, I have tried to keep to a decent diet and get plenty of exercise. Despite my initial chagrin, I have found this method works very well when I choose to stick to it. It is something I still struggle with, and want to work on going forward. I realise, however, that my “pingy” days will still happen occasionally; I just need to learn how to control them.
In the many conversations I’ve had with people, I think they’ve wondered why I don’t take more action on this. My answer is usually that the positives outweigh the negatives. On the days that I am in full control, the skills I naturally have are excellent for doing my job. The ability to recall things on command and talk about them in great detail is very useful for presentation. Even the negative experiences have less sting on a good day, so I can use them to relate to my audience. Owning pieces of the past helps reduce the negative triggers. There are some, though, which are never healed without a valid conclusion.
As you can imagine, my Autistic diagnosis had a profound effect on my relationship with my family. Some were accepting of it and were intrigued to learn more about how it affected me and others like me. Others were less so and often accused me of using it to get my own way. I would often state that it isn’t that I’m using it, for that I now have a reason for things. Unfortunately, this, coupled with the “pingy” days, meant that I rarely see family these days. Some of this is by choice, and some of it is forced by their past actions. Having a long memory isn’t a skill friendly to a group of people who want to forget everything. Once the few who embraced it were gone, it felt like being someone from another universe; A lonely place to be. A refusal from others to face up to things means a true conclusion isn’t possible. This means those triggers keep returning on bad days and are harder to shake, but there are ways I try to deal with it all.
- I try to make sure few to no further triggers can be created from an existing one. There will be times when things have to be faced, but there is no use poking a problem for the sake of it. Some will say I’m shutting myself away, I say that I’m preserving myself so I can best serve the people in my household.
- On a day that can turn “pingy”, I try to avoid things for a while. I’ll take a nap or work myself through the problem.
- Rest, food and exercise are the three things I’m still working on. They make sure that my mood is at a manageable level.
This gift, and I see it as that most of the time, truly has its positives and negatives. I learn something new every day about myself, and I will probably continue to do so. Recent research has helped me conclude that I possibly have ADHD as well, which helps explain even more. I will let you know how I get on.
Thank you so much for reading this post. I have often rejected the idea of writing about this, but it felt like the right time. I already have visions in my head of the negative things that may come from this, as I have seen so much negativity towards people with Autism and disabilities in general. However, I hope that it has been of some use to somebody. The biggest thing I have found helps at times, is to feel seen. I have tended to avoid reading about other people’s experiences for fear of triggers, but in reality, it can be a great benefit. Take care.
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